Grief, Ghosts and God
by Laurel Garver-2013

A few years after losing my own father (as a married adult with a child), I unearthed decades-old story notes I’d written about a teenage girl, Dani, who was struggling to hang onto her faith after losing a parent. I’d initially trunked the project because I wasn't mature enough to write it. But in the wake of my own loss, this particular story grabbed me hard.

While I wanted to work through some of my own emotions, I knew the best way to write them honestly was to filter my experiences through another character’s very different circumstances. Research was especially helpful in doing that. I read loads about confusing grief can be, especially for kids. It’s harder to deal with major losses when you don’t have life experience to draw on that puts the pain in perspective. When you’re young,“Time heals all wounds” sounds like a stupid platitude adults say to shut you down. Add to that the usual stuff of adolescence—hormonal changes and an identity that’s still under construction—and grief can be especially difficult, even explosive for teens.

I got thinking about other circumstances that might make grieving more of a pressure cooker—like being left with the parent you’re alienated from, having a family culture that frowns on expressing negative emotions, and coming from a faith tradition that tends to emphasize the joys the departed gains in the afterlife. The question of “how do I cope without my loved one?” will be more urgently felt in circumstances like that. In addition, I've always been fascinated with the idea of a parental presence lingering to help a child, especially when it’s unclear why it’s happening (is it supernatural or psychological?). Two sources for the ghost plotline are Shakespeare’s Hamlet, and the TV show Providence (1999-2002), in which a young woman moves home after her mother’s death, and often has long heart-to-heart talks and arguments with her mother’s ghost.

Dani’s faith adds another complication. She mistakenly believes anger (one of the natural phases of grief) has no place in a life of faith. I hope this story will encourage kids growing up in a faith tradition that it’s okay to really wrestle with God in places of deep pain. One of Dani’s friends tells her, “I think God can handle it when we’re mad.” He goes on to point out that large chunks of scripture are at root complaints to God. The Psalmist and other saints of old give us models for talking (and hollering and crying) to our Creator honestly about our pain, which at root is an expression of faith that He hears, cares, comforts, and makes things new.

Laurel Garver is a magazine editor, professor’s wife and mom to an energetic fourth grader. An indie film enthusiast and incurable Anglophile, she enjoys geeking out about Harry Potter and Dr. Who, playing word games, singing, and mentoring teens at her church.

You can find her on Facebook and on Twitter.